Clear Is Kind – Obfuscation Isn’t Leadership

I'm bad at giving feedback.

Actually, let's revise that. I am great at giving positive feedback. I am less great at giving negative feedback.

Nope, let's try that again. I am really great at giving positive feedback and I believe I'm pretty good at giving negative feedback to my peers and supervisors. However, when it comes to those whose personal and career development I’m responsible for, I’ve historically fallen short. It was nearly impossible for me to tell someone they needed to improve in a particular area of work. I would spend ten minutes talking around the problem, coming up with excuses for why they fell short of the target, awkwardly shrug, and then run out of the room (at least, that’s how it felt to me). Unfortunately, these were the people who most needed candid, constructive feedback from me.

While giving negative feedback is still not something I relish, a wise friend once sat me down and taught me something that fundamentally changed my approach: Clear is Kind. We've already established last month that clarity is crucial from a technical perspective—it's about respecting your counterpart's time and knowledge by establishing common ground before diving into nuance, if needed. However, for me, this concept became even more impactful on the managerial side of my role. It provided a framework for delivering potentially difficult feedback without beating around the bush while remaining supportive and compassionate, rather than condemning.

The idea of the "positive reinforcement sandwich"—where you give positive feedback, then negative, then positive again— would be a sister to this concept. Imagine saying, “Your presentation looked great, you absolutely ruined the time by going one and a half hours over your allotted time slot, but I really liked the graphic on slide 2." The problem with this approach is that the compliments can often feel scripted, and the person might only hear the negative feedback. This creates, in my experience, a wariness between individuals because it’s too easy to feel attacked in lieu of supported. This may work incredibly well for some people, but I couldn’t find the sweet spot myself.

For me, Clear is Kind offers a better way to structure feedback. The point I need to convey is that the person mismanaged their time during the presentation, and this can't happen again. But I also want them to feel like this isn't the end of their public speaking journey. My approach is to clearly outline the success criteria I hope for them, then provide the feedback they need to meet that outcome. For instance, "I loved how passionate you were about the subject; it’s obvious that you have deep expertise in this area. However, going an hour and a half over time lost much of the audience. If you could split this into two presentations, you’d be able to take the time to properly educate on this topic."

This approach is direct. It prevents me from spending five minutes listing everything that went well, only to timidly mention a flaw buried in over-the-top praise as I overcompensate for my own discomfort. It shows that I truly care about their long-term success. It gives them actionable feedback they can implement right away. And by framing it as genuine care for the person, it allows me, as the one giving feedback, to say what needs to be said.

I’ve noticed that many of us in technical fields tend to hedge our feedback or over-explain it. This likely stems from our technical education where these two failure mechanisms are borne out of knowing we could always dig deeper to increase precision. But if you dance around the issue too much, as I did for years, you’re not helping others as much as you could be.

So, here’s my ask: next time you need to give constructive criticism, start by stating what you hope the outcome will be. Importantly, this needs to be an outcome that benefits the other person. "I want you to succeed at public speaking. I believe you can be a strong advocate for our industry." "I want you to excel in this team.” “I see you working hard to achieve this KPI."

Next, outline what’s currently preventing them from achieving that goal. "It felt like you spoke too quickly, and the audience struggled to keep up." "Going over time caused you to lose the audience’s engagement." "I’ve observed a communication breakdown that's created tension." "You’re consistently over-servicing your contracts, which is eroding your projects’ profitability."

Finally, offer support. "Let’s start with small groups so you can get comfortable with the pacing of your speech." "Why don’t we do a dry run together to figure out how many slides fit within the allotted time?" "How are you experiencing this interaction? Maybe I can offer some insight into how you're being perceived." "Let’s dive into your upcoming projects and establish what effort aligns with the contracted scope."

In less than 5 minutes you have established a common goal, highlighted a roadblock to achieving it, and offered support to get through it. Their willingness to engage in the solution may surprise you (but if it doesn't, hey, you tried. You can only manage your own words and actions). Clear is Kind.

(Postscript: Clear is Kind is HARD. I had to rewrite this post several times because, ironically, I kept beating around the bush. With each rewrite, I had to force myself to be clearer and more direct. It’s shorter than I hoped, but I’m not allowing myself to pontificate for the fun of it. The point? These lessons aren’t learned overnight).